There’s a little compass in my chest, it once pointed true.
Each time I ignored its direction,
Each time I justified my “need” to head west,
Rationalized how the better option was south,
Was too afraid, to go anywhere but east,
The needle wobbled.
Began to point a few degrees off true.
Began to lead me to things I didn’t want
or worse
to things I “wanted”
I would blame the world or its people
”how could you lead me astray?”
I would blame the little compass
”Isn’t this the right direction, I followed you here!”
Yet It was me
My dishonesty
My in-action
My fear
I had damaged the Little Compass.
Faithless.
That direction just wasn’t convenient at the time, too much uncertainty.
Or
I can’t go that way, say that thing, act on that because…
because really fear.
Or
I want this thing, this outcome so badly I am prepared to try to force this to be the right direction.
Or
Willingly ignoring the very obvious directions.
Oh Little Compass…
The needle began to spin.
I became so very lost.
There were these moments where reality would break through my facade and reset the little compass in my chest.
A cosmic slap in the face.
It would point true and I would follow into the unknown, into complete uncertainty.
Deciding that whatever comes, good and bad this is the indicated way to go.
No matter what riots my mind may have.
Taking the leap of faith.
No control.
And the Little Compass would point ever more true.
Re-calibrated.
Those have been the best adventures.
Outcomes beyond my wildest imagination and that’s the point isn’t it? Whatever nonsense results my limited powers of prediction or lust for certainty can produce, they pale in comparison to what happens when I follow the Little Compass and have no idea what will come.
My personal pursuits of consistency, of security, of a desired outcome.
My running from fear, has lead me too more suffering than anything else that life could possibly have in store for me.
Its led to banal, grey, all encompassing, dissapointing, boring.
So why try to lead myself?
Despite all this Noise,
this Confusion
this Ego
this Worship of other Things,
this Clinging to the Flesh,
this World,
Decide
Point Little Compass Point,
and I will go.
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