I had checked nervously and obsessively a few dozen times over the last few days. Sometimes refreshing my inbox in the anticipation that by some fortuitous stroke the awaited confirmation email would be received in that moment. My expectations fell further as the days turned to weeks.
I noticed the subtle onset of nihilism regarding the whole enterprise, with each episode of opening my email my mood fell further. Was all the sacrifice of the last months to be in vain? Would I again have to jettison any attachment to a future I held dear?
Anxiety began to grip me in these moments as well, time was not an ally.
I managed some progress in using the disappointment as a touch stone to come back to the moment, yet the trend continued. This rose to a climax then quickly faded as the undoubtedly dark neutral element of my nature clicked into place suddenly and took hold. As a child anything taken taken from me was matched with my giving little regard to whatever it was. “I didn’t want it anyway”
The frequency of checking my device dropped off. Comforted by the thought, It will be what it will be. Determined I settled into a long rather un-comfortable waiting game.
”Bought a oneway ticket, quit my Job, the girl left, sold everything and I left” not so much a cliche in actions rather more in words from my experience. Us Humans across cultures and time all seem to have a penchant for the nomadic wanderer. Attached to nothing, carrying very little physically and mentally. Cascading about the world with only curiosity, virtue and a faith in the word of others as a guide. There are plenty of stories of people who indeed act out the cliche, yet I find they are the exception not the rule. In the multitude of people i’ve met over the last year perhaps 1 shared the same path as myself. I don’t say this to boast, indeed what I did was rather extreme and some coined “Extra”.
I let go of all the things of my past, most of it I burned. The old love letters, painted pictures, school work. I carefully and attentively read through each page, observed each piece of art, internalizing and truly seeing my passage in the arc of my short life. Some things brought me great joy to recount, some a deep longing sadness.
Each item felt, seen, and fed into flames.
The furniture of which some pieces tagged along with me for eighteen years was sold, Clothing beyond a few shirts and three pairs of jeans was donated. Each day my small home became closer to a blank canvas.
Each day my mind followed suit.
Indeed we are a reflection of our environment and vice versa.
I let go of all the things of my future, the well built trajectory of a career in my field, to which I sacrificed so much. The warming security of a potential wife, someone to which I had sacrificed in error all of myself to.
The luxury and stability of healthy relationships with family and a clutch of friends. I certainly gave up any idea of financial security.
I had embarked on another set of “Steps” through which and entire notebook was filled, know that through an increasingly calloused pen finger and hours upon hours of conversation I had uncovered and drilled even further into my reality and all the things underneath that make me in particular… tic.
Tock
Still waiting, am I going on this damn trip or not bureaucratic mouse clickers?
-Mackie TVM